Big Year, Big Goals, Big Fears...

So it's been a good 5 or 6 months since I have last had the chance to write. Scratch that, its been about 5 or 6 months since I have had the confidence and desire to write about homeschooling my children as I have been too wrapped up in my own fears and doubts. We have been plugging along, slow and steady, but as each month goes by my little cloud of doubt gets bigger and bigger.

What if I am unable to recognize my own deficiencies as a teacher and pass those straight on to the most important students I have ever had?

My children are young, at an age that I would argue is "crucial". Not that every age isn't "crucial" in terms of learning development, but I have always argued that it is the early years, the ones where skills are being learned, that frame the learning path. I feel as though learning throughout life is similar to building a house-you need a strong foundation to start with in order for all the other pieces to gel together and remain strong and solid. Furthermore, the higher the structure, the more that the foundation needs to support, the more important its structure and development becomes.


My background in teaching is one surrounded around math, science, engineering and technology. I have taught both high school and middle school level. I have tutored many students from all sections of the "learning spectrum" and yet I am still nervous. Scared of the unknown, petrified of the responsibility. I understand why people pay me to tutor their children in math and science, or at least I have a theory. I feel as if it is the same reason that my little doubt cloud is getting bigger. I have associated my difficulty in school with languages and arts with an inability to learn and teach it. And that if I do not "know" it I will not be able to teach it well enough and my children will suffer. And I will be the SOLE PERSON responsible for that. And that because it is just me, I will not even be able to recognize that I am doing it poorly until their house gets to be 2 or 3 stories high and the whole thing comes crumbling down. I know this may sound disgusting, but in a way there is some comfort in the idea of someone else being responsible for my children's learning, and in having someone else to blame when or if they don't.

I suck at spelling. My writing of this blog has even been criticized. My language teacher in high school, as he put it, "gave me an 80 because he liked me." In this day and age, where everyone is emphasizing the importance of communication and collaboration, I wonder how my weaknesses influence my children, especially if they are not exposed to individuals with strengths in those areas. It doesn't matter if you are the best scientist in the world, it doesn't mean squat if you can't communicate your knowledge.

But maybe, just maybe, having these fears is enough. Maybe recognizing that no teacher, public or private, schooled or unschooled,  needs to be an expert in everything or anything in order for a child to have a good foundation. Maybe the importance of who I am teaching will be the new driving force to find my love of languages.

...or maybe I will just get a language tutor.